Should have been an Actress

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I’m stuck in a time machine
she said
I have no control over it,
and it’s faulty,
it keeps dropping me into the past,
opens me up like a surgeon
and lets all my old feelings loose
from where they’ve been stored
and I feel it all again.

I’m back in that moment,
reliving it, then suddenly
I appear in the present,
and I’m still trying
to catch the old memory
it’s bleeding out of me,
I’m trying to stuff it back in,
and then
I’m in a made up future.

I’m on my knees
just begging for it to end
so that I have no future
and all this pain
will just fade to black.
I’m the opposite
of Ebenezer Scrooge,
I’m staring at the gravestone
praying
that it’s my name
carved into the grey.

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